Somewhere along the way, growth turned into a to-do list item
A guest blog post by a member of our mental health team, Samantha Cunningham, Registered Provisional Psychologist
Many people come into therapy saying things like, “I want to stop being like this,” or “I want to figure out how to be the happiest, best version of myself.” Behind those words often lies self-judgment, a dismissal of the systems that kept us alive, and a lack of empathy for oneself.
We live in a time where every swipe brings another tip, another hack, another tool to “optimize” our mindset, morning routine, relationships, or even our nervous system. Growth is undeniably beautiful, meaningful, and life-changing, but it can also easily become overwhelming and exhausting. Especially when it is framed as another item on your to-do list.
When healing starts feeling like pressure
Self-improvement becomes burdensome when it stops being a source of support and becomes a personal expectation that must be consistently met. Instead of offering a space to breathe, it begins to suffocate.
You may find yourself:
Feeling uneasy resting or slowing down
Becoming overly focused on tracking your emotions or reactions
Comparing your progress to others
Interpreting setbacks as proof you’re “not doing enough”
Believing healing must happen before you experience connection or comfort
This pattern isn’t growth; it’s a signal that your nervous system is overloaded. It’s a stress response disguised as self-awareness, and it tells you that what you need is regulation and support, not another item on a list.
Why we push ourselves this hard
For many, the pressure comes from a desire to feel different, break cycles, and show up with clarity and balance. But often, the drive to constantly improve is rooted in the same old wounds you are trying to heal. The parts of you that learned early on that perfection equals safety, acceptance, or stability.
Many of us grew up in environments where our emotions weren’t met with curiosity. Maybe you were told you were dramatic, sensitive, or weak. When this is your starting point, it’s easy for healing to become another arena where you try to earn approval or prove your worth.
Support rooted in fear, shame, or self-criticism isn’t sustainable. Our nervous systems require safety, support, and understanding, especially from ourselves.
You don’t need to be a project
Here’s the truth most people don’t hear enough: you don’t have to be working on yourself every moment to be worthy. Healing is not a performance. There is no timeline. You are not falling behind.
Sometimes your deepest healing happens on the days you just live. When your body feels safe enough to exhale. Sometimes it’s choosing gentleness over productivity, letting yourself be human instead of “improving,” and sometimes it’s pausing the self-help and simply being.
A more compassionate way forward
Sustainable growth includes rest, integration, play, distraction, and connection. It includes days when you’re reflective and days when you’re not. It includes messy moments, breakthroughs, and everything in between.
Instead of asking, “How can I fix myself?” try asking:
"What does my nervous system need right now?”
"What would feel kind?”
"Can I meet myself without judgment?”
Growth isn’t meant to drain you. It’s meant to support you. Often, the most transformative part of healing is the moment you stop striving and start trusting that you’re already enough.
Therapist’s note:
In my work, I meet many people who feel like they’re failing at healing simply because they’re tired. But exhaustion is not a sign you’re doing something wrong; it’s a sign you’ve been carrying too much alone. Therapy isn’t about pushing harder. It’s about creating space for the parts of you that are overwhelmed, exhausted, or unsure. You don’t need to be fully healed to be worthy of care. You are enough as you are. You don’t always deserve judgment, and it’s okay to take the time to understand yourself and treat yourself with softness.
---